Dear Bravo TV Executives:

First of all, love your work. Thank you for filling my wednesday night void left by the passing of Jerry Orbach. Specifically, Project Runway was brilliant. I made my own dress inspired by a Santino Tent. I understand that you can't run Runway 52 weeks a year. I appreciate the bone you threw me called Top Chef. It inspired me to carefully place pears on top of spinach to make an avante garde salad. You lost me with Workout. I don't want to work out and no gorgeous lesbian is going to make me.

Then you got greedy or lazy. I don't know if you were determined to keep me tuned in after a season finale or it is your corporate mission to employ every catty gay men that led you to Top Design. Either way, see you later, decorator.

Next up you have Shear Genius about hairdressers. What's the elimanation saying? "You're cut," or "Curl up and dye" or a simple "You blow."

After Shear Genius how will you distract us from the fact that Project Runway is still not back while providing career placement services for gay men? Who Wants to Manage a Retail Store? Top Gigalo? Bottom Gigalo?

Auf Wiedersehen,
Apocalypstick

Get out of myspace

Myspace is a brilliant invention for inventorying and ranking relationships. Changing one's status to "In A Relationship," deserves a small, private ceremony involving witnesses and a Shins song. Likewise, changing one's status back to "Single' is the ultimate act of closure. For that ceremony I recommend vodka, cigarettes and Loretta Lynn.

Sometimes, like four different times this week, myspace is the gossiping bitch in high school who takes joy in watching me squirm. Ultimatley, its just too easy to find out that exes' and crushes' statuses have changed from "In A Relationship" to "Married" or from "I'm not sure if I want kids" to "Proud Parent."

As my status remains firmly on "Single" and "Considering kidnapping if I don't have babies soon," I wonder why some girls change my guys' status when I never could. Myspace lets me research.

Upon surveying the girls who are marrying guys I've liked I have found a few common factors:
1. They don't wear blush.
2. Their photos are oddly cropped, beer-in-hand, posed-candids from house parties.
3. Current Top 40 hits are the best way to express the contents of their souls.
4. None of their friends are funny and don't know the difference between a message (only she can see) and comments (everyone can see).
5. They live in towns I wouldn't stop to pee in.

Is that all it takes to get married? Move somewhere with no decent work, nightlife or fashion.
Oh wait, I already live there. Now I just wait.

Time Travel

Fall Daylight Savings Time is obviously superior of the two. I don't use it as an hour to catch up on sleep, but instead an hour to do things I wouldn't do in this space-time-continuum like take a bath or wear UGG boots.

But finding the virtue of Spring Daylight Savings Time is a little harder. I am planning on going for a jog and scooping cat shit. Like 2:01 a.m. on March 11, 2007, that's never going to happen.