Get out of myspace

Myspace is a brilliant invention for inventorying and ranking relationships. Changing one's status to "In A Relationship," deserves a small, private ceremony involving witnesses and a Shins song. Likewise, changing one's status back to "Single' is the ultimate act of closure. For that ceremony I recommend vodka, cigarettes and Loretta Lynn.

Sometimes, like four different times this week, myspace is the gossiping bitch in high school who takes joy in watching me squirm. Ultimatley, its just too easy to find out that exes' and crushes' statuses have changed from "In A Relationship" to "Married" or from "I'm not sure if I want kids" to "Proud Parent."

As my status remains firmly on "Single" and "Considering kidnapping if I don't have babies soon," I wonder why some girls change my guys' status when I never could. Myspace lets me research.

Upon surveying the girls who are marrying guys I've liked I have found a few common factors:
1. They don't wear blush.
2. Their photos are oddly cropped, beer-in-hand, posed-candids from house parties.
3. Current Top 40 hits are the best way to express the contents of their souls.
4. None of their friends are funny and don't know the difference between a message (only she can see) and comments (everyone can see).
5. They live in towns I wouldn't stop to pee in.

Is that all it takes to get married? Move somewhere with no decent work, nightlife or fashion.
Oh wait, I already live there. Now I just wait.