As an elderly woman in a Juicy Couture jumpsuit approached the skincare section and demanded moisture, I thought to myself "I wonder if she can blink." I reached for the tiny jar that costs more than my car payment and explained the pure ingredients blended by virgins then flown to the store in a temperature-controlled helicopter by chanting Buddhists.
She had tried it before, but didn't find it hydrating enough. "I have very dry skin," she explained, as though I should give up on trying to sell her moisturizer. She's just too dry to be helped.
"I'm really surprised to hear that. I have dry skin as well, and I use a embroidery needle to scoop out a fleck to spread across my entire body once a week. Its the only moisturizer I need."
Not to be done by hyperbole, she responded, "This jar lasted me one week. I use a pancake spatula to tap it around my eye area and scars." At this point she pointed to her chest, which was unnecessary because they were pointing back at me. "Then I sprits Pam cooking spray all my skin to set it."
"Perhaps you're not drinking enough water. If you're not getting enough water no amount of moisturizer will help."
"Oh, I drink enough water," she said. "Every night I lie in a bath tub of pudding and drink bottles of water. I go through two twelve packs of Evian every night --I can't drink tap, of course-- then toss them into a trash bag. Then my husband hooks me up to my IV bag before I go to sleep in a cocoon made for me by a butterlfies we harvest in our backyard."
"Wow, that must be really hard for you."
"You don't know the half of it," she went on. "I have a handicap parking pass because my skin cracks when I walk. My doctor had to reattach my leg after I walked to the grocery store."
"I've actually seen this before." She scowled-- as much as she could. But I continued, "I think you're actually dead and completely reanimated by moisturizer. I'd recommend the moisturizing oil, it penetrates deeper."
"Oh so that's how it is? Every time I come in here you're going to try to sell me something."
Well, it is a store.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
hilarious
Sounds like "Cassandra" from the new Doctor Who series. ;-)
I look forward to your future posts about working at a cosmetics counter. Your experience is one that everyone should hear--the retail life is not at all easy.
And the Sahara-dry older lady cracks me up! Perhaps a recovering alcoholic? Many years of booze can really damage the skin; when the alcoholic finally stops drinking, the skin often sags and bags in an astonishingly short time.
Dee-lightful! I too have worked retail, long ago but I remember it all too well.
What an excellent blog! Found you via Peacebang, and I'm really glad. I read this entry to my husband - much laughing out loud.
Post a Comment